Fourth of July weekend one year ago, my husband and I spent 8 hours in the hospital hooked to a fetal monitor to make sure the t-bone collision I was involved in had not harmed our unborn baby. The baby's due date was just over two weeks from the day of this unfortunate accident.
Casually walking into the hospital wearing only a bikini with my giant round 9 month belly, I'm sure onlookers must have thought I was coming to have the baby and probably the calmest women ever. Although I felt physically fine, mentally I was having to give myself mini pep talks to keep from melting into a puddle on the floor. "What if the baby was hemorrhaging? What if it was suffering brain damage?" My mind had been doing a good job of steering clear of these haunting thoughts, until my husband and I arrived at the hospital. Riding the elevator to the labor and delivery floor I couldn't help but think that we had made it so far, the baby and I, only to get within weeks of delivery time and have the bad luck of getting in a car accident. "What does this mean? Why did this happen?" I kept asking myself.
As it turned out, the baby was absolutely fine. I learned I was having contractions that I couldn't even feel..which was pretty cool to know that my body was already preparing itself for the stretching and opening to release this baby. I was dilated to two centimeters and the baby was exactly where it needed to be.
Apparently, so were Wesley and me. What was supposed to be a relaxing day in the surf soaking up the sun, celebrating our country's independence turned into a very quiet and restful afternoon in a hospital room. At the time, we were so full of emotions: scared, worried, confused, then relieved, then aggravated that an entire day was wasted that I didn't appreciate the stillness of the moment that we experienced together. Once we knew everything was ok with the baby, we still couldn't leave for 8 hours just to make sure nothing abnormal happened...so we had no choice, we couldn't go anywhere.
Resting under the white hospital sheets I could hear the noises of nurses bustling about, doors opening and closing, machines beeping, and the sounds of other women and crying babies. I contemplated what it might be like to birth the baby in the hospital, or what if I were to start going into active labor right then? I knew the time wasn't right; I wasn't ready yet. At that moment I felt complete calm and confidence that the baby and Wesley and I were going to have an incredible birth journey together but that it wouldn't be now and it wouldn't be in a hospital. I comfortably drifted to sleep.
So why did the wreck happen? Until those 8 hours were spent hooked to the fetal monitor, I had a shadowy fear lurking in my mind that something might happen as I was in labor that would land me in the hospital. Going to the hospital was NOT what I wanted to do when in labor; however the experience that afternoon showed me that if I had to go to the hospital, it would be fine and I would still have the strength to cope through labor and proudly wear the initiation badge of birth. With the fear wiped away through acceptance of my fear, I found a new peace about the upcoming birth experience no matter where it happened.
Exactly ten days after the hospital experience, thankfully and mercifully, I was granted a natural labor and water birth delivery at the birth center that was uneventful and relatively quick (although difficult by nature, read My Birth Story). Knowing that so many factors play into the process of which a mother's body and baby come together to create the miracle that is birth, I feel extremely fortunate and blessed that my experience was the best I had imagined. Much appreciation and gratitude is owed to the wonderful midwives who attended the birth and of course, my ever loyal husband. Their confident, calming energy collectively worked to help this child emerge.
The Birthing From Within approach to child birth preparation likes to use the phrase, 'seen and unseen forces' to describe the many factors that contribute to the different outcomes of labor and delivery. No matter how much planning, wishing, hoping, praying, or birth plan writing that takes place, no woman, partner, mid wife, nurse, or doctor solely effect the outcome of a birth; therefore, no one person can take full responsibility for how the birth of a baby unfolds. Many seen and unseen forces contribute to the outcome of a birth.
Naturally, I wonder how the labor and deliver will unfold with this next baby. Will it be more difficult? Will the labor be longer, shorter or could it be possible that it will be easier? Although I plan for a natural birth at the birth center, will I end up going to the hospital? Will this baby want to be born by cesarean? I know anything is possible and I like to believe that I am ready for whatever lies ahead.
I have learned it is wise to prepare the heart, mind, and soul for any situation through growing your own self-love and practicing evoking the love warrior within. If I can call on that inner, eternal voice of love and forgiveness, of compassion and hope, I will always have a friendly guide to lead me toward the light.
