Bell of Mindfulness

"As mothers we won't always be comfortable or relaxed but we can still foster an attitude of tolerance for our situation, telling ourselves that every moment is a part of our spiritual practice." -Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers

Chasing, carrying, lifting, and sometimes even cuddling a 25 pound toddler while being 7 months pregnant becomes slightly uncomfortable by late afternoon. Not to mention lifting in an out of highchair, inserting and extracting from car seat, and even otherwise enjoyable story time inevitably turns into a squishing, kicking, smooshing the fetus session at my expense. Of course, it goes without saying that from the moment of conception with prenatal discomforts through the labor and delivery, the rocky, emotional adjustment postpartum period, and then the daily ups and downs of the trial and error that is parenting...it is understood that 'uncomfortableness' comes with the territory but lately I've been feeling particularly captive to this seemingly perpetual sensation.

Needless to say this quote from the wise and well worth reading, Buddhism for Mothers, book has lightened my attitude and helped me to view each uncomfortable moment as a bell of mindfulness...an opportunity to slow down, to breath in the now and live in the present.

The inspiring mother of two and author of this book, Sarah, is teaching me that as soon as my mind acknowledges a certain feeling, I should greet the feeling as I would a visitor to my home recognizing that the visitor is not here to stay. With that in mind, when I notice that my body is moving or performing in such a way that is uncomfortable, I can remain calm, collected and in control of the situation by acknowledging the feeling but not let it take over my emotions. I can then choose to amend the situation by slowing down or stopping the activity all together for a moment of rest.

Frequently I find myself getting irritated and uncomfortable when we leave the house to run errands or to go anywhere. To avoid staying in the house all day or coming home completely run down and void of patience, I have started to let Samuel walk wherever we go even if it takes twice as long to get from the car into the store, or from the car into the house. In my effort to change a behavior that will help me to feel more comfortable, I am learning a spiritual lesson. By limiting the amount I carry him, I physically feel much better and I have more energy but I am realizing that the most beneficial improvement has been to my mental health.

By allowing Samuel to walk, I am forced to slow down. I am forced to observe every detail of the ground, notice every bird chirping within hearing distance, wave and acknowledge any human being within sight. As a result I am much calmer, have more patience and by the end of the day don't feel like I'm about to unravel.

I am discovering that giving over and living by my 15 month old son's most innocent and curious perspective of the world is rich and rewarding. More energy, more comfortable, but most importantly, more peace is possible by not rushing around worrying about getting somewhere on a particular schedule or time line. Allowing moments of uncomfortableness to remind me of my spiritual lesson to slow down has created abundant opportunities to live in the moment.

Before I became a mother, I was completely task oriented and focused on getting the most accomplished in a day to the point of stressed and mindless over-exhaustion. I rarely lived in the moment because my mind was constantly thinking of the next thing I felt I needed to do or worrying about what I just did or said. Now, as I look at Samuel's amazingly beautiful eyes when he stops and ever so carefully stoops to take in the sight of an ant crossing the sidewalk, I am truly thankful for the shared discovery with him and of the new stillness within my soul.

Seen and Unseen Forces

Fourth of July weekend one year ago, my husband and I spent 8 hours in the hospital hooked to a fetal monitor to make sure the t-bone collision I was involved in had not harmed our unborn baby. The baby's due date was just over two weeks from the day of this unfortunate accident.

Casually walking into the hospital wearing only a bikini with my giant round 9 month belly, I'm sure onlookers must have thought I was coming to have the baby and probably the calmest women ever. Although I felt physically fine, mentally I was having to give myself mini pep talks to keep from melting into a puddle on the floor. "What if the baby was hemorrhaging? What if it was suffering brain damage?" My mind had been doing a good job of steering clear of these haunting thoughts, until my husband and I arrived at the hospital. Riding the elevator to the labor and delivery floor I couldn't help but think that we had made it so far, the baby and I, only to get within weeks of delivery time and have the bad luck of getting in a car accident. "What does this mean? Why did this happen?" I kept asking myself.

As it turned out, the baby was absolutely fine. I learned I was having contractions that I couldn't even feel..which was pretty cool to know that my body was already preparing itself for the stretching and opening to release this baby. I was dilated to two centimeters and the baby was exactly where it needed to be.

Apparently, so were Wesley and me. What was supposed to be a relaxing day in the surf soaking up the sun, celebrating our country's independence turned into a very quiet and restful afternoon in a hospital room. At the time, we were so full of emotions: scared, worried, confused, then relieved, then aggravated that an entire day was wasted that I didn't appreciate the stillness of the moment that we experienced together. Once we knew everything was ok with the baby, we still couldn't leave for 8 hours just to make sure nothing abnormal happened...so we had no choice, we couldn't go anywhere.

Resting under the white hospital sheets I could hear the noises of nurses bustling about, doors opening and closing, machines beeping, and the sounds of other women and crying babies. I contemplated what it might be like to birth the baby in the hospital, or what if I were to start going into active labor right then? I knew the time wasn't right; I wasn't ready yet. At that moment I felt complete calm and confidence that the baby and Wesley and I were going to have an incredible birth journey together but that it wouldn't be now and it wouldn't be in a hospital. I comfortably drifted to sleep.

So why did the wreck happen? Until those 8 hours were spent hooked to the fetal monitor, I had a shadowy fear lurking in my mind that something might happen as I was in labor that would land me in the hospital. Going to the hospital was NOT what I wanted to do when in labor; however the experience that afternoon showed me that if I had to go to the hospital, it would be fine and I would still have the strength to cope through labor and proudly wear the initiation badge of birth. With the fear wiped away through acceptance of my fear, I found a new peace about the upcoming birth experience no matter where it happened.

Exactly ten days after the hospital experience, thankfully and mercifully, I was granted a natural labor and water birth delivery at the birth center that was uneventful and relatively quick (although difficult by nature, read My Birth Story). Knowing that so many factors play into the process of which a mother's body and baby come together to create the miracle that is birth, I feel extremely fortunate and blessed that my experience was the best I had imagined. Much appreciation and gratitude is owed to the wonderful midwives who attended the birth and of course, my ever loyal husband. Their confident, calming energy collectively worked to help this child emerge.

The Birthing From Within approach to child birth preparation likes to use the phrase, 'seen and unseen forces' to describe the many factors that contribute to the different outcomes of labor and delivery. No matter how much planning, wishing, hoping, praying, or birth plan writing that takes place, no woman, partner, mid wife, nurse, or doctor solely effect the outcome of a birth; therefore, no one person can take full responsibility for how the birth of a baby unfolds. Many seen and unseen forces contribute to the outcome of a birth.

Naturally, I wonder how the labor and deliver will unfold with this next baby. Will it be more difficult? Will the labor be longer, shorter or could it be possible that it will be easier? Although I plan for a natural birth at the birth center, will I end up going to the hospital? Will this baby want to be born by cesarean? I know anything is possible and I like to believe that I am ready for whatever lies ahead.

I have learned it is wise to prepare the heart, mind, and soul for any situation through growing your own self-love and practicing evoking the love warrior within. If I can call on that inner, eternal voice of love and forgiveness, of compassion and hope, I will always have a friendly guide to lead me toward the light.

Choosing to Birth at a Birth Center

When I was a child I found out about a woman giving birth in a tub and thought that was the coolest thing I had ever heard and right then and there decided, 'If I ever have a baby (because then, the thought of having a baby was a pretty foreign and downright scary idea) I will birth it in water." My thinking even as a child was that the water would make things better, make it hurt a little less. Also, I knew that the baby lived in a liquid bubble inside the mother, so it made sense that it's first impression of the outside world would be a watery one.

In November 2008 at 26 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I didn't know anything about labor or delivery except that I wanted to birth the baby in water and totally natural. Because I was basically clueless about the labor process, I began researching. I read, watched, and listened to everything I could find about women's experiences with medicated births vs. non-medicated births, hospital births vs. birth center births.

I concluded that hospitals have a beneficial role for complicated pregnancies or in the unseen event that labor becomes dangerous to the mother or baby, but for most situations, hospitals are not necessary for birthing. Over time, our culture has medicalized the act of birthing to the point that many women experience routine medical procedures, such as episiotomies, that outside of a hospital environment would not have been needed or performed. Hospitals also tend to limit the birthing mom's position to laying on her back due to the nature of being hooked up to various machines, monitors, and IV's. Restriction from getting up and moving around tends to enhance the uncomfortableness of labor. The medicalization of labor is a big enough discussion topic to warrant it's own post but for now, if you're interested in learning more about this idea, a good place to start is to watch Ricki Lake's compelling documentary, The Business of Birthing.

After researching the safety and naturalness of birthing outside of a hospital environment and realizing the fact that women for thousands of years have been birthing babies in caves, fields, and in total wilderness, I felt a growing confidence in my own body's strength and inherent ability to birth the child within me. This insight solidified my opinion that when the little soul growing inside decided to emerge, I wanted to be totally present and felt strongly about birthing the baby with no medical interventions including not having an epidural. Whatever happened at the time of delivery I wanted to feel the experience.

In my mind the likelihood of successfully meeting my goal of birthing the baby without any drugs meant delivering in water (to help my muscles and mind relax and to ease the discomfort) and also meant NOT delivering at a hospital; therefore, I had to find a facility, hopefully a birth center, where I would feel comfortable and safe, that was supportive of my decision to avoid medical intervention (unless absolutely necessary) and that provided the option of water births (birthing in our household bath tub was out of the question since, at the time, my husband was adamantly against a home birth).

So as the universe would have it, before I was even 8 weeks pregnant, a friend told me about a new and only birthing center in Charleston, SC located just 15 minutes from my house. "They do water births there," she said, "as long as you're not high risk or having a complicated pregnancy." Delighted to hear this exciting news, I looked it up on line that very night, read everything on their website (www.charlestonbirthplace.com) and scheduled an appointment to attend the next open house where I would have the opportunity to meet the midwives, tour the facility, and learn more about the benefits of water births.

Here I must add, although I had been doing my own research on the benefits of birthing centers compared to hospitals for non-complicated pregnancies, my husband was slightly reluctant about the idea of not birthing our first child at a hospital with teams of nurses and doctors on hand. He agreed to attend the birth center open house but was full of questions and made it clear that just because he was attending the open house did not mean he was signing on for a delivery there. That was fine with me, I felt confident we would not be disappointed by our visit.

Thankfully, I was right. Our visit to the birth center open house was just what we needed. The birth center was set up with two separate but connected sections, one for birthing and one for all the prenatal and postnatal care. Our tour began on the prenatal/postnatal care side. Immediately upon entering there was a feeling of peacefulness. The atmosphere was totally opposite of that of a doctor's office or hospital facility. The reception area and waiting room was more like a welcoming living room of a familiar family friend, the examining rooms more like a spa message room. There was a special room set up just for nursing moms, a cozy room lined with prenatal and parenting educational books and DVD's for lending, relaxing music in the background and beautiful photographs of birthing moms and brand new babies lined the walls.

We were greeted by the owner and head midwife who led the open house educational session. She was personable and provided a wealth of information with handouts to take home and plenty of time for questions. Please visit http://charlestonbirthplace.com/FAQ.aspx for a list of frequently asked questions regarding birth centers and water births.

Visiting the birth center made us feel completely comfortable and we knew we would be taken care of by caring, knowledgeable, and competent midwives. I had made up my mind that this was where I wanted to come for my prenatal care and ultimately experience the birthing process of our first child before the open house session was finished but I don't think my husband was on board until we were shown the actual birthing rooms.

Because a birth center offers a more personal and intimate experience by limiting the amount of births per month, the Charleston Birth Place has only two birthing rooms. Large, comfortable, and equipped with a bathroom, couch, king size bed, and full size hot tub, the birthing rooms are as comfortable as one would imagine a cozy bed and breakfast to be. Dim lighting, soft candles, aromatherapy, and your choice of music are all options for helping to create a peaceful, relaxing environment at the time of delivery. Spacious enough to move around, get on the floor into yoga positions, or utilize the birthing ball or bench, these rooms do not limit the birthing mom to the bed or tub. And for the convenience of visiting family and/or friends, outside of the private birthing rooms, there is a living/gathering room, guest bathroom and small size kitchen.

Walking out of the birthing room, we knew that no hospital could offer this level of personal, intimate care while supporting our decision to birth natural and to allow us to birth in a tub. That night my husband and I agreed that in 9 months, if all went well, we would be birthing our child at the Charleston Birth Place.

My Birth Story

"The landscape of labor is not linear but rather twists and turns like the path of a labyrinth awakening great determination, faith, doubt, and love." -Birthing from Within

Head down, chin to chest, rocking, spiraling, moaning, humming, confusion, a tunnel with no light, foreign and frightening sensations rolling through my body like a distant thunder storm gaining strength then calming, gaining strength, then calming. A physical and mental test beyond anything I had ever experienced, my desired natural child birth was in full swing.

Palms to the wet shower walls, I braced my disconnected body for another contraction and tried to focus on the warmth of the water raining down my back instead of allowing the panicking thoughts of 'if this is just the beginning, how much worse is it going to get?' creep back into my mind. The midwife's gentle voice telling me the tub was ready if I wanted to try getting in, was a welcome opportunity for change.

Although the warm, still water was soothing, and there, embraced by the blue and purple lit water, I lived through several strong contractions, I quickly and uncomfortably began to fear losing control of my bowels in the tub and just couldn't be in it another second. A wave of nausea and dizziness swept over me and for a moment I thought I would pass out. My only thought was to get to a toilet as fast as possible.

On the toilet is were I labored for two hours of the darkest, most grueling journey of my first birth experience. As my body was positioned in the natural, primal squatting stance, my mind was losing access to the verbal part of my brain and I shifted into what is commonly known as 'labor land.' That dark place of absolute solitude which can only be traveled alone and at the time has no beginning, no end, and seemingly, no way out. I journeyed to the underworld and was striped of everything I thought I knew about life. My body and soul were being torn down and I grasped tightly to moments of clarity where I remembered (or was reminded by some distant and wise voice of reason) to breath deeply or to relax my muscles. "You're doing so good, you're almost there, you can do it, you're so strong" steadily and calmly chanted my husband and midwife.

Just when I truly began to question my strength, 'just how much longer can I do this?' I felt the undeniable urge to bear down and a new sensation of downward pressure began to envelope my abdomen and lower body with the oncoming contractions. My own mammalian groaning sounded foreign to my ears and the midwife took notice that I was beginning to transition and suggested that I might try the tub again, unless of course, I wanted to birth the baby right there on the toilet. Fearful, yet in a moment of delirium, through the rapidly growing desire to push, my mind decided to make my body move off the toilet.

Quickly, the experienced midwives agreed I was dilated to 9 and half and could start pushing. Back in the tub I went and immediately felt a flood of peaceful, warmth and an absolute knowing that all was going to be ok. I was going to birth my child very soon. A new level of energy and love entered my body and mind and it was like someone turned on a soft light in the center of a deep cave. Everything began to move very quickly and I could instantly see and feel the comfort, wisdom, and strength of the midwives surrounding the tub. In the brief moment of calm before I began pushing, I envisioned the midwives encircling the tub represented all the women who have ever experienced child birth, their power flowing into me making me stronger and equipping me with the natural knowledge of what to do next.

"Giving birth is something a woman does in her body, not in her head." Pam England

I wasn't scared, I was ready, even excited and I couldn't be stopped. Then my mind shut off and my body took over and did exactly what it was supposed to do. With my husband in the tub for support, I leaned against him and squatted in the water groaning and grunting louder and louder as the weight and strength of the baby worked with my own amazing muscles to move the little soul closer and closer to the outside. Between pushes, I reached down and felt the head which felt so alien yet solidified the fact that something was definitely on it's way out....I immediately launched into the next push before the next contraction even came on and right away felt an extremely intense burning sensation...aka, 'the ring of fire.'

Like ripping a band-aid off, I knew the burning would only stop once I got that little head and set of shoulders out. At that point, nothing could have stopped me from pushing the baby out; someone could have had a gun to my head and I would have been shot while the baby emerged, that's how strong the desire to push had become. With eyes closed, and a deep breath, I let every muscle in my body contract and didn't care how loud I expressed the intensity of this physically demanding action. Within seconds I felt and saw the head emerge. Instantly the midwife unwrapped the cord from it's neck and I continued to push the rest of the slippery body out.

So quickly and slippery was the baby's exit, no words can describe such a surreal moment. My hands instinctively reached into the water and pulled the little body straight up to my chest. Complete relief was my first feeling...that the trauma and pain experienced by my body was over, instantly, just like that and that this little creature was real, alive, a little human in my arms. My body and mind were in shock, I was in disbelief and it took me a couple of seconds before I heard the chorus of voices beckoning me, 'Is it a boy or girl? a boy or girl?' "It's a boy, a boy," I finally found my voice.

Timeline for Linear Clarity:
Water broke accompanied by lower back pain at 11:30pm Monday, July 13th, 2009; Contractions didn't begin until Tuesday, July 14th around 12:30pm after taking 3 tablespoons of caster oil; Labored at home until 3pm at which point contractions were coming every 2 minutes and had increased in intensity; arrived at the birth center at 4pm dilated to 5 centimeters; began pushing at 8pm; delivered our son, Samuel Palmer Fletcher at 8.40pm Tuesday, July 14 2009. He weighed just over 7 pounds and was 19 inches long.