My Birth Story

"The landscape of labor is not linear but rather twists and turns like the path of a labyrinth awakening great determination, faith, doubt, and love." -Birthing from Within

Head down, chin to chest, rocking, spiraling, moaning, humming, confusion, a tunnel with no light, foreign and frightening sensations rolling through my body like a distant thunder storm gaining strength then calming, gaining strength, then calming. A physical and mental test beyond anything I had ever experienced, my desired natural child birth was in full swing.

Palms to the wet shower walls, I braced my disconnected body for another contraction and tried to focus on the warmth of the water raining down my back instead of allowing the panicking thoughts of 'if this is just the beginning, how much worse is it going to get?' creep back into my mind. The midwife's gentle voice telling me the tub was ready if I wanted to try getting in, was a welcome opportunity for change.

Although the warm, still water was soothing, and there, embraced by the blue and purple lit water, I lived through several strong contractions, I quickly and uncomfortably began to fear losing control of my bowels in the tub and just couldn't be in it another second. A wave of nausea and dizziness swept over me and for a moment I thought I would pass out. My only thought was to get to a toilet as fast as possible.

On the toilet is were I labored for two hours of the darkest, most grueling journey of my first birth experience. As my body was positioned in the natural, primal squatting stance, my mind was losing access to the verbal part of my brain and I shifted into what is commonly known as 'labor land.' That dark place of absolute solitude which can only be traveled alone and at the time has no beginning, no end, and seemingly, no way out. I journeyed to the underworld and was striped of everything I thought I knew about life. My body and soul were being torn down and I grasped tightly to moments of clarity where I remembered (or was reminded by some distant and wise voice of reason) to breath deeply or to relax my muscles. "You're doing so good, you're almost there, you can do it, you're so strong" steadily and calmly chanted my husband and midwife.

Just when I truly began to question my strength, 'just how much longer can I do this?' I felt the undeniable urge to bear down and a new sensation of downward pressure began to envelope my abdomen and lower body with the oncoming contractions. My own mammalian groaning sounded foreign to my ears and the midwife took notice that I was beginning to transition and suggested that I might try the tub again, unless of course, I wanted to birth the baby right there on the toilet. Fearful, yet in a moment of delirium, through the rapidly growing desire to push, my mind decided to make my body move off the toilet.

Quickly, the experienced midwives agreed I was dilated to 9 and half and could start pushing. Back in the tub I went and immediately felt a flood of peaceful, warmth and an absolute knowing that all was going to be ok. I was going to birth my child very soon. A new level of energy and love entered my body and mind and it was like someone turned on a soft light in the center of a deep cave. Everything began to move very quickly and I could instantly see and feel the comfort, wisdom, and strength of the midwives surrounding the tub. In the brief moment of calm before I began pushing, I envisioned the midwives encircling the tub represented all the women who have ever experienced child birth, their power flowing into me making me stronger and equipping me with the natural knowledge of what to do next.

"Giving birth is something a woman does in her body, not in her head." Pam England

I wasn't scared, I was ready, even excited and I couldn't be stopped. Then my mind shut off and my body took over and did exactly what it was supposed to do. With my husband in the tub for support, I leaned against him and squatted in the water groaning and grunting louder and louder as the weight and strength of the baby worked with my own amazing muscles to move the little soul closer and closer to the outside. Between pushes, I reached down and felt the head which felt so alien yet solidified the fact that something was definitely on it's way out....I immediately launched into the next push before the next contraction even came on and right away felt an extremely intense burning sensation...aka, 'the ring of fire.'

Like ripping a band-aid off, I knew the burning would only stop once I got that little head and set of shoulders out. At that point, nothing could have stopped me from pushing the baby out; someone could have had a gun to my head and I would have been shot while the baby emerged, that's how strong the desire to push had become. With eyes closed, and a deep breath, I let every muscle in my body contract and didn't care how loud I expressed the intensity of this physically demanding action. Within seconds I felt and saw the head emerge. Instantly the midwife unwrapped the cord from it's neck and I continued to push the rest of the slippery body out.

So quickly and slippery was the baby's exit, no words can describe such a surreal moment. My hands instinctively reached into the water and pulled the little body straight up to my chest. Complete relief was my first feeling...that the trauma and pain experienced by my body was over, instantly, just like that and that this little creature was real, alive, a little human in my arms. My body and mind were in shock, I was in disbelief and it took me a couple of seconds before I heard the chorus of voices beckoning me, 'Is it a boy or girl? a boy or girl?' "It's a boy, a boy," I finally found my voice.

Timeline for Linear Clarity:
Water broke accompanied by lower back pain at 11:30pm Monday, July 13th, 2009; Contractions didn't begin until Tuesday, July 14th around 12:30pm after taking 3 tablespoons of caster oil; Labored at home until 3pm at which point contractions were coming every 2 minutes and had increased in intensity; arrived at the birth center at 4pm dilated to 5 centimeters; began pushing at 8pm; delivered our son, Samuel Palmer Fletcher at 8.40pm Tuesday, July 14 2009. He weighed just over 7 pounds and was 19 inches long.