about life right now

Samuel asking about a gazillion times a day, 'mama doin?'

Myla reaching her little arms up to me when she wants me to pick her up.

Samuel wanting me to kiss him so he can wipe it off.

Myla smiling at her daddy.

Samuel keeping me on my toes, teaching me to set boundaries and to say 'no.'

Myla rubbing my face while she nurses.

Samuel sharing his Lincoln Logs with Myla.

Myla grabbing fistfuls of 'Puffs' and wrestling them in her mouth.

Samuel calling people by their names.

Myla babbling and Samuel mimicking her.

Samuel falling asleep in his own bed with no shouting and with the door open.

Myla watching her brother play and dance and cry.

Samuel making his pee and poop in the toilet more than most of the time but not quite all of the time.


The two year old and sixth month old have me on an exciting emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride. No, journey. No, adventure. Challenge. Test of patience, of coping skills of making decisions and sticking with them but knowing when to be flexible... I am sitting here contemplating this and Wesley is watching a movie, completely in his own world on the coach and says, 'we have two kids.' Yup, exactly what I was just thinking.

For many, many nights of Samuel's two years of life I have sung to him, 'I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul....love like an ocean, joy like a fountain...in my soul' and tonight as I was feeding Myla her sweet potatoes, peas and pears and he was 'digging a hole' in his avocado and smearing hummus around on his tray, he says to me, 'peas like river, peas like river, mama, sing it.'

If you can feel love like a little warm volt of electricity buzz through your blood, I felt that from him.

This is the rollercoaster..I am melting on the floor because he so damn cute and precious and pure. When the last couple days have been a difficult struggle. Me asking him to do something and him promptly telling me, 'no.'

The other night, he was refusing to let me put a diaper on him for bedtime.

Reasoning with him:
"Samuel you have to wear your diaper while you sleep because if you don't you will have an accident and wet the bed and then you will be cold and wet."

"No!" shouts, screams, flails, protests

Bargaining with him:
"Samuel, if you wear the diaper for bedtime, you can sleep naked for your nap tomorrow."

"No!" shouts, screams, flails, protests

Bribing him:
"Samuel if you settle down and let me put this diaper on you, I will bring you some grapes"

more crying, more kicking

Begging with him:
"Please, Samuel, let me put this diaper on you. Please calm down and stop crying so we can just get this diaper on you, this doesn't have to be this hard. PLEASE!"

So here I am ridiculously debating with a two year old with him fighting me with flailing arms and piercing shouts of protest 'stop, mama, stop!' that eventually wake up Myla and lead me to actually think about shaking him. In that moment of frustration and wanting to yell at him to 'shut up and be still' I simultaneously think, 'Am I torturing him? Should I just let him sleep naked and deal with it if he pees on himself?'

What to do in this moment? Take a breathe. Calm. Return to the breath. Learning to react without emotion is hard. Learning to be the authority figure is hard. Of course he should wear the diaper to bed. I chose to go out of the room to let us both calm down because I physically could not hold down and force the diaper on this screaming, kicking child.

It ended up taking both Wesley and me to get the diaper on him. Me talking and trying to keep him calm and hold his arms and torso still while Wesley put the diaper on him.

The day after this episode, I needed reinforcement and sent a text out to my friends with toddlers. I am blessed with a lot of love and am so thankful for the validation that I am normal and not alone in those moments of totally losing it. Of course, before I had kids I heard about the 'terrible twos' and it always seemed cliche and I probably blew it off thinking, 'yeah that won't be my kid' and now it seems to be shaping my life and molding my character.

I'm am learning to give him simple choices, if he doesn't make the choice in a reasonable amount of time, make a decision and follow through with the consequence instead of dragging it out with him.

Earlier today he told me 'thank you, mama' when I handed him a little bowl of grapes. It was only the second time he has said that totally unprompted and it came at the sweetest most unexpected time.

As I have been putting these thoughts to the keyboard, Myla has woken three or four times. I think she just wants to remind me of how lucky I am. How wonderful it is to feel her cuddley body fit snug against my chest and tuck under my arms, her legs molding around my side, her hands resting on that space between my neck and my shoulder. She feels so good, I don't want to put her back down in her crib so I hold her long after she has fallen back asleep. She reminds me of how much easier it is to mother a six month old...and how short lived each phase of life becomes as we continually evolve and transition into a slightly older and slightly different creature.

I look in on Samuel and his perfect little body is curled on his side, peacefully still in the very middle of his bed.