No time for a title

This post is supposed to be the Postpartum Journal Part Two but this has to be written now or I might walk out the door and leave my children in this house alone, which would be bad, very bad.

I f'in HATE sippy cups. Why so many parts? The very best have at least three: the cup, the lid, and the suction part that keeps the liquid in. Some have more than three parts. Lids that have removable handles, suctions parts that have rings, and the worst ones of all: lids with straws! So many places for grime and mold to harvest, so many pieces to get lost or fall down in the disposal. And the damn things are all over my house. Under beds, in the bathroom, between the couch cushions, in bags, in the car..I can't find them and wash them fast enough. Oh, yeah and not having a dishwasher adds to my despise of the sippy cup invasion.

I am ready to round them all up and take them to Goodwill and let him have ONE little regular plastic cup and deal with any spills. Since he likes playing in the water so much, he can wash his own cup when it needs washing.

I really feel like a bitch right now.

I must be about to start my period again (after a long, long and much loved reprieve) because I can't find any patience. Right now I am feeling very overwhelmed and really want to scream so instead I am trying to vent by sitting here pounding out my frustrations which might be a little more constructive...although, I don't know because Samuel is pissed about it! I truly can't handle Samuel crying to sit on my lap, to 'get some more water.' I can't stand at the sink anymore this morning washing the black shit out of any more rubbery sippy cup parts..how many can there possibly be??

I am trying to remember to return to the breath..which is what I teach the new moms and dads taking my birthing class..."when you feel stressed, aggravated, impatient..you can always return to the breath to ground yourself and quiet the mind.." yeah, ok.

Time for me to put it to use. Easy when I'm just trying to go to sleep but now it's time for me to practice what I preach.

'I am breathing in, I am breathing out,'...and my brain is pounding, my muscles are tighting, there's a toddler screaming and pulling on my arm, 'I am breathing in, I am breathing out.' I hear Myla crying in her room trying to go to sleep. Return to the breath, I tell myself. I try to ignore the sobbing, red faced, child yanking on my limbs. What does he need? Nothing. He wants to play in the water and he's been playing in the water and dumping it all over the floor..more mess for me to clean up. 'Gets some more water!' He throws himself on my lap and starts screaming louder. He wants me to hold him on my lap. No, I don't have to hold you just because you're not getting what you want.

I keep typing.

Whoa, am I a bad mother?

No, I am trying to regain my sanity, right now, in this moment.

I can feel my blood pressure rise..'breathe in, breathe out.' I continue to ignore Samuel in hopes that his fit will pass. He wants my cereal and I am finished with it. Myla has fallen asleep. I put a handful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in a bowl and sit it on the couch. Samuel accepts that offer and stops crying. He's lying on the couch now and I can see he's tired. He woke up too early.

I keep typing and he sits quietly and slowly munches the cereal, sniffling.

My temperature seems to drop a little bit. I can feel a little calm creeping in.

I keep typing and breathing and now..

No noise. I hear the water trickling in the fish tank that needs cleaning. I hear the air conditioning blowing. I hear the laptop keys clicking. I hear my breath. In, out. In, out.

The fit is gone. My heart rate is still slowing. The moment over..on to the next one, more peaceful, this one.

Maybe I'll finish washing those sippy cups so at least there clean when I take them to the Goodwill this afternoon.

Birthing Myself as a Mother, Postpartum Journal Part Two

My intention was to post my postpartum journals one after another during the month after Samuel's two year birthday but life happens...as it always does. As I catch up typing the words I wrote two years ago, I am reliving some of these memories.. I am surprised at how different my memory of that time is versus the tone in my journal. I remember feeling a lot more stressed, a lot more unsure of what I was doing, a lot more of this 'just trying to survive' attitude. My newness to mothering and the change of having a little baby around is evident in the way I seem to find it important to get a lot of stuff done and to carry on like I didn't just have a baby. I was not yet in the 'giving over to the moment' mindset and and very much in the worrying about what I thought needed to get done mindset... that thinking was the carry over from my other life of go, go, go and very task oriented vision of what I thought it means to be successful.

I realize that a lot of the stress I was feeling at that time was totally brought on by this idea that I needed to get a lot of stuff done and take the baby here and there and have visitors...I hadn't learned to say no. I had not learned to protect our space, time and energy. Discovering those boundaries was and is a continual lesson that I still work through. However, with my second child, I was much more focused on cuddling, nesting, letting go of all expectations beyond being a good animal (keeping my myself and my children, fed, dry, safe and warm) and choosing to stay in the little cocoon of our house for as long as possible.

Right now I have an abundance of friends with babies in their bellies or babies just born who are in this very moment experiencing the ups and downs of adjusting to life with a newborn and life as a new mother. In hindsight, I see what an unfolding process it is..it doesn't just happen in those first couple of weeks or even months. The change is gradual.


So here it is..my postpartum journal...part two


Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009- Samuel is a week and one day old. Today was a very busy day. Up for the day at 9am after getting him to sleep at 6.30am from a 4am feeding. Spent some time in the sun, Lacy came over to see 'sweetie pie,' I weeded the zinnia garden while Mom and Lacy played with Samuel, got a haircut at 11am, picked up framing supplies for Wesley, got rocks for the front garden, ate schlotsky's lunch, all the neighbor kids (6 of them) came over for a visit, Jeff came for a visit, I laid the stones in place, waited with Samuel outside for Wesley to come home, ate dinner (chicken pot pie), took baby to Chris David's to meet all the poker gang and came home reeking of cigarette smoke so we had to wash Samuel's head. I nursed him and he fell fast asleep. I took a very long shower and now I am thankful for the opportunity to close my eyes. Wow, I am thirsty and I left my drink in the living room. Wish Nimbus could fetch it for me. It's sinking in that I am someone's MOM! Mother, Mama, Mommy

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009- Today Samuel's belly button formed, the scab fell off and I saved it for Wesley. He is already growing so fast..it's almost visible while he's nursing, his little body stretches and his muscles gain strength. At his 2nd pediatrician appointment we learned he has surpassed his birth weight and now weighs 7lbs, 10oz. I was able to take a two and half hour nap today and also went to BILO with Wesley without the baby and it felt so strange to be able to run in and out without hauling the baby and all the baby accessories..but actually, we haven't had to face the grocery store together, yet! Life has a new twist- it's too obvious and redundant to say 'changed' because life is always changing...more accurate to say priorities have shifted-time management takes on a whole new meaning. I've had it pretty easy the last few days with my Mom's help- anxious to see how well I manage next week when I'm all by myself.

Friday, July 24th, 2009- Samuel conquered his first road trip like a champ! We've made it to Anderson!! (note: In hindsight, I don't know why we thought it was a good idea to take him on a road trip when he was this new, it put a lot of unnecessary stress on me, although that's not reflected in my journal entry!) Arrived at 10pm and only had to stop once to nurse. Thank god or whoever ancestral soul for my Mother's presence-she has the magic grandma touch and could keep the crying at bay. She was able to pacify him for about 20 minutes past the point that he had had enough and wanted the nipple. I ended up nursing him in a rest area parking lot. Nursing is getting easier for us both. He is eating faster and getting more milk. My nipples are tough now.

Sunday, July 26th, 2009- Exhausted from the weekend. It's 10.45pm and I'm actually writing this on my stomach which is quite an unusual yet pleasing position after sleeping on my side for so long. Samuel is finally asleep after a very long and challenging bout of uncontrollable crying. He was full, he was dry, he was warm..but what he needed was some swinging! What I've done to him with all that prenatal running...he really, really, likes movement, constant movement. At the point that I thought I couldn't take the screaming any longer, Wesley got him calm by putting him in his car seat and swinging him. He fell asleep in the car seat while David, April, Wesley and I took turns swinging him while watching True Blood. Are we spoiling him or just responding to his needs? He's not even two weeks old! (note: my newness and inexperience to parenting is obvious here..of course, we were not spoiling him at this age! But I didn't know ANYTHING about caring for an infant!) I am responsible for responding to his every need when he needs it. He was so good this weekend, met so many people, was held and passed around and he knew he was out of his element..I can tell he loves his own home!! He was more relaxed as soon as we brought him in the house tonight-he must recognize the smells and sounds. He'll get used to the Grandma's houses soon enough but for now what he wants is the comfort of his own home and the constant closeness with his Mommy. I should add also that I was very emotional on the car ride back to Charleston--overcome with love and fear that I wouldn't be good enough for this sweet, perfect soul. What an awesome responsibility...the magnitude of my level of duty is just starting to settle in. He is my one and only priority in life right now. The decision to give up work was a big one and I don't regret it for a second but the adjustment is being realized. I have new priorities and everything that was a priority before July 14th is one by one falling by the side to make room for the beautiful innocent life that has emerged from my body into this world.

Monday, July 27th, 2009- First day of Samuel's life that not one picture was taken of him! I had him to myself today and it was good. The day went by in a flash. We picked up the Honda and turned in the rental car. (note: I was in a car wreck 11 days before Samuel was born, he and I were fine, but the Honda Accord was damaged and so we had a rental) My friend, Mary Anne came by and we had a nice, long chat. She told me I was being too hard on myself and should not worry about trying to do anything else but just be with Samuel. She also reminded me that not every moment has to be a 'teaching' moment but that Samuel would learn from my very essence, just from my 'being' me. Being a mom is hard or should I say a good mom...it's definitely a learning process..a constant guessing/trial and error game. "Am I doing the right thing?" "Is this what's best?" etc, etc, I suppose I have to learn that trusting my instincts is the best and only way to navigate through this adventure.

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009- Didn't write yesterday--difficult night. I started the nursing/burbing/changing/rocking/bouncing cycle at 8pm after a stroll through the neighborhood and he didn't go to sleep in his crib until 11pm! He would fall asleep and then wake right back up as soon as I would lay him down. I swung him, rocked, bounced, everything- he just refused to be put down. Finally at 11pm he was asleep and it was all I could do not to fall into bed. He woke back up at 2am and I woke up feeling nauseous- ended up throwing up about 3 times..it was the worst feeling ever, hearing Samuel cry and knowing the only thing to make him stop was giving him my nipple to suck which was the last sensation I wanted to feel after throwing up. It must have been the barbecue we ate for dinner. To sum it all up, we were both up all night- I had to wake Wesley up. Today was not much better. He was up from 8am until noon when I finally got him to sleep on my chest on the couch where we were both able to get two and half hours. Today was the first day that I didn't get a single chore done. Not one dish washed, nothing put away, nothing. I didn't even eat the first bite of food until 2.30pm and that was a bowl of cereal. I think part of the problem..meaning Sam's fussiness..is me not getting enough nutrition. Mom told me today that breastfeeding women need 500 more calories than normal. I am making a strong effort to do better so hopefully the milk he's drinking will be more nutritious and satisfy him. The neighbors, Katherine and Corey and baby Fletcher, just came by and dropped off a book, "The happiest Baby on the Block" and a swaddling blanket called The Miracle Blanket, that she says works really well. This was all perfect timing (Note: Here Wesley must have picked up my journal and wrote his own entry) Just as everything has been..Wesley is the most amazing husband. I can't believe I ever doubted it. He is super groovy. (Note: now back to my writing) So tonight we got Samuel to quiet down and actually sleep by swaddling him very, very tight in The Miracle Blanket. Hopefully this will work. Katherine says Fletcher started sleeping through the night at 4 weeks because of the swaddling...we'll see how Samuel does. Meanwhile, Wesley and I enjoyed a pasta and chicken dinner with no crying. I drank two glasses of wine and ate the most delicious avocado. We're thankful these days for even one hour of peace. I know it will get better but the last two days have been extremely challenging. I quit my paying job but took on a 24/7 full time job. I don't know how single women do it and manage to work! Thank god I have an understanding and helpful and contributing partner! I didn't mention I went to a Pilates class yesterday. It was one hour and I dropped Samuel to Wesley when he got off work at 5pm. It was wonderful to go to a class and begin the process of getting back in shape.

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009- It's 4pm and raining. I took a break from writing, 'thank you' cards to release some thoughts. Sam is finally sleeping--the last few days (lighting, BIG thunder) have been more challenging. Sam wants me all the time, if he isn't nursing or sleeping, he wants me to hold him. He won't be satisfied with anyone else. We went to Edisto Beach Friday night and Saturday and he was very, very good..slept from 9.30pm to 4ish. He went to the beach, rode in the Baby Bjorn for a walk on the beach..but wouldn't let grandparents Fletcher hold him for long or even Wesley. I can't stand to hear him cry. He shrieks and turns red, his mouth quivers and gapes open- it tears to shreds every nerve fiber in my body. When we're in the car and I can't unbuckle him to get him out to stop the crying, I start not being able to hold a thought, I get so unnerved...so it's the same thing when he is crying when someone else is holding him. I can't sit around and not do anything or just go in another room and see if they can soothe him, no, I have to go to him and as soon as I take him and cuddle his tiny, red throbbing body to my chest- he stops. He makes a few little puffs and sighs and then looks at me with a face that seems to say, 'why did you do that to me?' and of course, I just melt...so if he needs me to hold him every second, I will...even if that means postponing eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom, I will hold him because that is now my natural instinct. My job. Motherhood is an unfolding process. It's a new discovery everyday. I learn new aspects of my baby, his needs, his personality..what makes him happy, what irritates him, the sounds he makes and his different expressions and it hasn't even been three weeks since we began this love affair. Well, I am wrong- the love began to grow nine months ago.

Birthing Myself as a Mother, Postpartum Journal Part One

Samuel turned two July 14th. It's August now and we're still singing 'birthday cake' and batting his giant (and now sagging) number '2' balloon around the house. We started celebrating his birthday when his bicycle arrived early and I was forced to explain to him why the UPS man was delivering a big, brown box that Wesley was really excited about...so I told Samuel his birth story and explained to him how happy we were to have experienced that day two years ago and that now he gets a box with a present inside! Then we celebrated on his birthday, then with his grandparents, then with his aunt and uncles...and now I think he fully grasps the concept and rituals surrounding 'birthday' but we should probably be calling it 'birthmonth' from here on out.


Celebrating the days before and after the birth makes sense to me. As I think back on this time two years ago, on the intensity of adjusting to life with an infant, of healing and processing the birth, of discovering myself as a mother, I am reminded of the incredible postpartum journey and making it through that is reason enough for anyone to celebrate! Every day is monumental, every moment new and full of awe. Exciting and rewarding, yes, but it's also hard work and frustrating and emotional and sometimes scary.

So in honor of those days and weeks after his birth and my birthing myself as a mother, I have decided to post my journal entries from that postpartum time. These are word for word, nothing changed, nothing omitted.

Friday, July 17th 2009- How did I get so lucky? My mom is amazing and great and I love her so much, my baby boy is perfect, my husband is my best friend and the most supportive partner in the universe, my friends are genuine, my dad is present and patient, my in-laws love me and my family, my brothers are awesome, my sister in-laws are awesome. My breasts are producing milk and my body is healing from Samuel's emerging. This day is a day of recognizing how unbelievably blessed I am. Exhaustion is here but this experience is too awesome to miss. Thank you universe for giving me the strength and courage and energy to birth Samuel naturally. Thank you for helping my body open and my mind shut. Thank you for health and wholeness.

Saturday, July 18th 2009- Samuel Palmer Fletcher's fourth day on planet Earth. Jill and Wesley's first day being parents all alone. The last of the family left yesterday and today no visitor rule was in effect. What a perfect day we had-so thankful for all the help, yes, but grateful to try this parenting thing out. It's hard to describe the build up in intensity of my love for this little creature. I am overwhelmed by how absolutely pefect he is. I keep looking him over and am continually amazed to find not one flaw, not one blemish. His little chicken wing arms and long skinny legs his slender feet and puckered lips all gloriously perfect. This afternoon while feeding him in my bed with the sunlight peeking through the shades, I found myself staring at every wrinkle on his wrist and then fingers one at a time and then up his arm and the crook of his neck and realized examining his perfect little body is like marveling at an intricate seashell or catching an up close view of a butterfly as it perches on something long enough to enjoy the glint and glimmer of it's colorful wing...the difference though is that the Samuel creature is of mine and Wesley's creation...the combination of our cells and DNA and energy and I know it was this natural process of precreation which brought him into the world but I can't help believe that his soul has lived a hundred times over. His face, brand new and fresh, looks wise and already full of experience and lessons to teach. In four days I have learned so much.

Sunday, July 19th, 2009- The nursing/feeding partnership much improved today. We're starting to work together, to relax, to be in the moment. My body is responding more efficiently, the milk is flowing easier. I can tell he is getting more and is clearly more satisfied with each nursing. Nursing efficiently and effectively is an art, a practice, a meditation requiring patience and quiet...a lesson in being in the moment--and the moment can last an hour and half.
Today Winston and Erin came into town to meet Samuel, what a treat to have them here. April came over and we had a delicious brunch. Allison and Brian visited as well and gave Samuel Allison's first piggy bank. Later in the afternoon (after a 2 and half hour nap) April and I went for a wonderful walk around the block. Even though it was short the time outside was heaven! I will gladly make any sacrifice for my child but after 2 days of not leaving the house, I was beginning to feel closed up and felt the necessity of fresh air. I'm thankful for the sunshine and chance to stretch my legs. The baby is crying.

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009- Samuel is one week old. It's 10.21 pm and this time last week, he wasn't even in the world (outside the womb) 2 hours. I was still in shock, in 'laborland' mind feeling like I had been on some kind of crazy, tripping out of body, other world experience that ended abruptly with another tiny human screaming in my arms. Surreal. Absolutely surreal. I still can't believe he is completely healthy, completely whole. We are blessed. My mom came back to stay with us and be with Samuel for a few days and I am glad to see her. Wesley went back to work today and I missed him..missed having his company more than anything because of course he can't nurse but he is entertaining to have around and he can change hell of a diaper. Good news-state job will pay for Wesley's time off!! He hasn't even been there 2 months and already he accrued enough leave (paid!) for the 32 hours he was out bonding with his son! I take that as a good financial omen that we are going to be just fine with me not working. My job is to be with Samuel, to be a good Mom, to fill his head with everything good and positive that is within me, and to fill his insatiable belly with my milk.

Postpartum Journal Part Two will be posted soon

about life right now

Samuel asking about a gazillion times a day, 'mama doin?'

Myla reaching her little arms up to me when she wants me to pick her up.

Samuel wanting me to kiss him so he can wipe it off.

Myla smiling at her daddy.

Samuel keeping me on my toes, teaching me to set boundaries and to say 'no.'

Myla rubbing my face while she nurses.

Samuel sharing his Lincoln Logs with Myla.

Myla grabbing fistfuls of 'Puffs' and wrestling them in her mouth.

Samuel calling people by their names.

Myla babbling and Samuel mimicking her.

Samuel falling asleep in his own bed with no shouting and with the door open.

Myla watching her brother play and dance and cry.

Samuel making his pee and poop in the toilet more than most of the time but not quite all of the time.


The two year old and sixth month old have me on an exciting emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride. No, journey. No, adventure. Challenge. Test of patience, of coping skills of making decisions and sticking with them but knowing when to be flexible... I am sitting here contemplating this and Wesley is watching a movie, completely in his own world on the coach and says, 'we have two kids.' Yup, exactly what I was just thinking.

For many, many nights of Samuel's two years of life I have sung to him, 'I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul....love like an ocean, joy like a fountain...in my soul' and tonight as I was feeding Myla her sweet potatoes, peas and pears and he was 'digging a hole' in his avocado and smearing hummus around on his tray, he says to me, 'peas like river, peas like river, mama, sing it.'

If you can feel love like a little warm volt of electricity buzz through your blood, I felt that from him.

This is the rollercoaster..I am melting on the floor because he so damn cute and precious and pure. When the last couple days have been a difficult struggle. Me asking him to do something and him promptly telling me, 'no.'

The other night, he was refusing to let me put a diaper on him for bedtime.

Reasoning with him:
"Samuel you have to wear your diaper while you sleep because if you don't you will have an accident and wet the bed and then you will be cold and wet."

"No!" shouts, screams, flails, protests

Bargaining with him:
"Samuel, if you wear the diaper for bedtime, you can sleep naked for your nap tomorrow."

"No!" shouts, screams, flails, protests

Bribing him:
"Samuel if you settle down and let me put this diaper on you, I will bring you some grapes"

more crying, more kicking

Begging with him:
"Please, Samuel, let me put this diaper on you. Please calm down and stop crying so we can just get this diaper on you, this doesn't have to be this hard. PLEASE!"

So here I am ridiculously debating with a two year old with him fighting me with flailing arms and piercing shouts of protest 'stop, mama, stop!' that eventually wake up Myla and lead me to actually think about shaking him. In that moment of frustration and wanting to yell at him to 'shut up and be still' I simultaneously think, 'Am I torturing him? Should I just let him sleep naked and deal with it if he pees on himself?'

What to do in this moment? Take a breathe. Calm. Return to the breath. Learning to react without emotion is hard. Learning to be the authority figure is hard. Of course he should wear the diaper to bed. I chose to go out of the room to let us both calm down because I physically could not hold down and force the diaper on this screaming, kicking child.

It ended up taking both Wesley and me to get the diaper on him. Me talking and trying to keep him calm and hold his arms and torso still while Wesley put the diaper on him.

The day after this episode, I needed reinforcement and sent a text out to my friends with toddlers. I am blessed with a lot of love and am so thankful for the validation that I am normal and not alone in those moments of totally losing it. Of course, before I had kids I heard about the 'terrible twos' and it always seemed cliche and I probably blew it off thinking, 'yeah that won't be my kid' and now it seems to be shaping my life and molding my character.

I'm am learning to give him simple choices, if he doesn't make the choice in a reasonable amount of time, make a decision and follow through with the consequence instead of dragging it out with him.

Earlier today he told me 'thank you, mama' when I handed him a little bowl of grapes. It was only the second time he has said that totally unprompted and it came at the sweetest most unexpected time.

As I have been putting these thoughts to the keyboard, Myla has woken three or four times. I think she just wants to remind me of how lucky I am. How wonderful it is to feel her cuddley body fit snug against my chest and tuck under my arms, her legs molding around my side, her hands resting on that space between my neck and my shoulder. She feels so good, I don't want to put her back down in her crib so I hold her long after she has fallen back asleep. She reminds me of how much easier it is to mother a six month old...and how short lived each phase of life becomes as we continually evolve and transition into a slightly older and slightly different creature.

I look in on Samuel and his perfect little body is curled on his side, peacefully still in the very middle of his bed.

No talking. No typing. No washing dishes.

Now that my almost two year old has become amazingly verbal, I am understanding more clearly his demanding personality and reflecting on how frequently he communicated with cries before he found words. Now that he has discovered the precision of the spoken word, I am understanding the amount of attention and the quickness with which my attention has been given to him over the past two years.

'NO TALKING'

This is Samuel's new catch phrase when Wesley and I are talking. It started out cute, you know the first time he said it...so emphatic with his little hand up, fingers spread, palm out, 'no talking, mama, no talking' I admit, we probably chuckled the first time he said it which is bad news...giving him any amount of positive reinforcement for his behavior is a sure sign that it will happen again. Most often when we are all four in the van going somewhere and Wesley and I are in the front seat discussing our day or current events or weekend plans or whatever...we hear his little voice pleading, 'no talking, mama, no talking' Ok, then...how do we handle this situation? I say, 'No talking, ok, then no talking' We ride in silence before Wesley pipes up and says, 'Samuel, unless you want to be raised by a single parent, we're going to talk..that's how we get along..that's what we do, we talk.'


'NO TYPING'

Now that I am communicating more frequently via email with new moms and dads interested in my birthing classes or doula service, my time at the computer has increased much to Samuel's dismay. When he doesn't want me on the computer, he runs through his bag of tricks first throwing himself on the chair saying, 'sam's chair, no, no, no sit, mama, sam's chair' then when I remove him and get in the chair he climbs up on my lap in an effort to get his fingers on the keyboard, 'i typin, mama, i typin' When I wrestle him from the keyboard encouraging him to pick out a puzzle to do on the floor by my feet or a new book or Lincoln Logs, (it's not like he doesn't have enough to play with) he stubbornly starts in with the 'no typing, mama, no typing' and continues his chorus until there is no way I can type, because I can't THINK!

'NO WASHING DISHES'

This is his newest one(and easiest one for me to want to obey!)... a couple of nights ago when he finished his dinner and I took his bowl and tray to the sink, I made the mistake of turning on the water to rinse them out before getting him down from his highchair. Immediately, I hear him call out with intensity, 'NO WASHING DISHES!'

As I am writing this post, I struggle with the honesty of it because my interpretation of what is probably normal two year old behavior makes Samuel seem like a horribly impatient, rude little kid...which he is not :) He is particular and knows what he wants and doesn't want. He is fast exploring independence but still finding a balance between doing it 'by self' and needing mom's help.

Samuel is very busy, curious, and seems to thrive on social interactions and the reliving of events through storytelling. He hasn't found much fun in playing by himself and when it's quiet and I don't see him or hear him...I know he is up to something mischievousness. Yesterday morning, for example, he wasn't right under my feet and I couldn't hear him calling out for me to 'come, mama, come see' so I went looking for him, suspecting a situation. I found him standing on a stool in front of the stove dumping olive oil and salt in a pan. Me: 'Samuel, what are you doing?' Samuel: 'making dinner' I couldn't scold him because I know he was just imitating his dad and actually he did get it all in the pan which Wesley did later use.

So I am learning that while I spend the majority of my waking hours catering to Samuel's demands, I can't make it through the day without talking (to other adults), typing, or washing dishes...although some days it might be nice. Samuel is adjusting to the hard, cold lesson of 'not getting what I want when I want it' and beginning to cultivate patience. I am adjusting to the fact that as much as I love to give to Samuel, I don't have to give Samuel what he wants all the time...

Take your mind for a walk

Shedding, downsizing, de-cluttering. A process of cleaning out, the work has begun. Creating Myla's own sleeping space has meant a full on tackeling of the guest bedroom/junk room/storage closet. The cleaning out, sorting through, and making hard decisions to keep, give away, or throw out is in full swing, I'm not putting it off another day. Not that any of this is 'hard' work, it's just getting down to it, not procrastinating and tackling one pile, one bag, one box of 'stuff' until it's gone. In the process, I have been pleasantly reminded of a younger me thanks to a college notebook full of my 20ish year late night ramblings. Oh, it's taking me back..this one doesn't have a title.



Let your mind take a walk.
Let it loose. Set it outside.
It can be anything,
make it not be you.
A purple spotted cat
Can you see it?
Be a ceiling fan.
around, whoosh, around whoosh
until someone flips a switch
stop. stop spinning world
stop leaving me behind
Be a clock.
tick. tick.tick.
Don't think about what you know
tick.
Don't look for an explanation
Let your mind play outside.
Be a bucket of water
A scrambled egg with cheese, hot
Be a surfer in a wet suit being crushed by a wave
A pair of scissors chopping through a piece of yellow construction paper
Be a song, floating unattached to your skull


I wish I had written more of an ending. I flip the notebook page looking for more pencil scribbles but only find a list of next semesters class schedule.
Well, it was a nice break..and look, now, here I am procrastinating again.

Myla Ryan Fletcher has been alive five months and there's been no posts. Here she lies, or rather rolls, kicking, jabbing, at my feet cooing her song and contently gumming a wooden toy. She makes being in the moment so easy. Her peaceful, patient spirit creates ease with everything concerning her care; everything concerning her. Her very presence is enough to smooth my energy.

I look at her and a smile, so giving, shines back at me. Asking for nothing. Her eyes radiate love and genuine acceptance. I nuzzle kisses on her squishy belly, then under her chin roll and contagious giggles effortlessly chime in my ear. The purest of noises echoing through my senses cleansing all worries, all fears, and successfully eliminating the monkey brain chatter of 'i need to do this, did i do that?'

She makes being in the moment so easy. I could stay in it forever.

I look into her eyes and understand 'the windows to the soul' cliche. It's like an open, free for all, channel. I can feel all the good, all the positive, all the love in the whole universe. It is humbling and empowering all at once.

If Samuel's infant lesson to me was learning how to be present, being patient in the moment, surrendering, then Myla's is non-judgmental acceptance, openness to receive and give love. With Myla's gift, now it is clear to me, love abounds. It is circular and re-creates itself. If I can see the love in other people like I see it in her, the love in my life increases and then is more easily transferred to others. It is not a struggle, it is natural and feels right.