Birthing Myself as a Mother, Postpartum Journal Part Two

My intention was to post my postpartum journals one after another during the month after Samuel's two year birthday but life happens...as it always does. As I catch up typing the words I wrote two years ago, I am reliving some of these memories.. I am surprised at how different my memory of that time is versus the tone in my journal. I remember feeling a lot more stressed, a lot more unsure of what I was doing, a lot more of this 'just trying to survive' attitude. My newness to mothering and the change of having a little baby around is evident in the way I seem to find it important to get a lot of stuff done and to carry on like I didn't just have a baby. I was not yet in the 'giving over to the moment' mindset and and very much in the worrying about what I thought needed to get done mindset... that thinking was the carry over from my other life of go, go, go and very task oriented vision of what I thought it means to be successful.

I realize that a lot of the stress I was feeling at that time was totally brought on by this idea that I needed to get a lot of stuff done and take the baby here and there and have visitors...I hadn't learned to say no. I had not learned to protect our space, time and energy. Discovering those boundaries was and is a continual lesson that I still work through. However, with my second child, I was much more focused on cuddling, nesting, letting go of all expectations beyond being a good animal (keeping my myself and my children, fed, dry, safe and warm) and choosing to stay in the little cocoon of our house for as long as possible.

Right now I have an abundance of friends with babies in their bellies or babies just born who are in this very moment experiencing the ups and downs of adjusting to life with a newborn and life as a new mother. In hindsight, I see what an unfolding process it is..it doesn't just happen in those first couple of weeks or even months. The change is gradual.


So here it is..my postpartum journal...part two


Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009- Samuel is a week and one day old. Today was a very busy day. Up for the day at 9am after getting him to sleep at 6.30am from a 4am feeding. Spent some time in the sun, Lacy came over to see 'sweetie pie,' I weeded the zinnia garden while Mom and Lacy played with Samuel, got a haircut at 11am, picked up framing supplies for Wesley, got rocks for the front garden, ate schlotsky's lunch, all the neighbor kids (6 of them) came over for a visit, Jeff came for a visit, I laid the stones in place, waited with Samuel outside for Wesley to come home, ate dinner (chicken pot pie), took baby to Chris David's to meet all the poker gang and came home reeking of cigarette smoke so we had to wash Samuel's head. I nursed him and he fell fast asleep. I took a very long shower and now I am thankful for the opportunity to close my eyes. Wow, I am thirsty and I left my drink in the living room. Wish Nimbus could fetch it for me. It's sinking in that I am someone's MOM! Mother, Mama, Mommy

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009- Today Samuel's belly button formed, the scab fell off and I saved it for Wesley. He is already growing so fast..it's almost visible while he's nursing, his little body stretches and his muscles gain strength. At his 2nd pediatrician appointment we learned he has surpassed his birth weight and now weighs 7lbs, 10oz. I was able to take a two and half hour nap today and also went to BILO with Wesley without the baby and it felt so strange to be able to run in and out without hauling the baby and all the baby accessories..but actually, we haven't had to face the grocery store together, yet! Life has a new twist- it's too obvious and redundant to say 'changed' because life is always changing...more accurate to say priorities have shifted-time management takes on a whole new meaning. I've had it pretty easy the last few days with my Mom's help- anxious to see how well I manage next week when I'm all by myself.

Friday, July 24th, 2009- Samuel conquered his first road trip like a champ! We've made it to Anderson!! (note: In hindsight, I don't know why we thought it was a good idea to take him on a road trip when he was this new, it put a lot of unnecessary stress on me, although that's not reflected in my journal entry!) Arrived at 10pm and only had to stop once to nurse. Thank god or whoever ancestral soul for my Mother's presence-she has the magic grandma touch and could keep the crying at bay. She was able to pacify him for about 20 minutes past the point that he had had enough and wanted the nipple. I ended up nursing him in a rest area parking lot. Nursing is getting easier for us both. He is eating faster and getting more milk. My nipples are tough now.

Sunday, July 26th, 2009- Exhausted from the weekend. It's 10.45pm and I'm actually writing this on my stomach which is quite an unusual yet pleasing position after sleeping on my side for so long. Samuel is finally asleep after a very long and challenging bout of uncontrollable crying. He was full, he was dry, he was warm..but what he needed was some swinging! What I've done to him with all that prenatal running...he really, really, likes movement, constant movement. At the point that I thought I couldn't take the screaming any longer, Wesley got him calm by putting him in his car seat and swinging him. He fell asleep in the car seat while David, April, Wesley and I took turns swinging him while watching True Blood. Are we spoiling him or just responding to his needs? He's not even two weeks old! (note: my newness and inexperience to parenting is obvious here..of course, we were not spoiling him at this age! But I didn't know ANYTHING about caring for an infant!) I am responsible for responding to his every need when he needs it. He was so good this weekend, met so many people, was held and passed around and he knew he was out of his element..I can tell he loves his own home!! He was more relaxed as soon as we brought him in the house tonight-he must recognize the smells and sounds. He'll get used to the Grandma's houses soon enough but for now what he wants is the comfort of his own home and the constant closeness with his Mommy. I should add also that I was very emotional on the car ride back to Charleston--overcome with love and fear that I wouldn't be good enough for this sweet, perfect soul. What an awesome responsibility...the magnitude of my level of duty is just starting to settle in. He is my one and only priority in life right now. The decision to give up work was a big one and I don't regret it for a second but the adjustment is being realized. I have new priorities and everything that was a priority before July 14th is one by one falling by the side to make room for the beautiful innocent life that has emerged from my body into this world.

Monday, July 27th, 2009- First day of Samuel's life that not one picture was taken of him! I had him to myself today and it was good. The day went by in a flash. We picked up the Honda and turned in the rental car. (note: I was in a car wreck 11 days before Samuel was born, he and I were fine, but the Honda Accord was damaged and so we had a rental) My friend, Mary Anne came by and we had a nice, long chat. She told me I was being too hard on myself and should not worry about trying to do anything else but just be with Samuel. She also reminded me that not every moment has to be a 'teaching' moment but that Samuel would learn from my very essence, just from my 'being' me. Being a mom is hard or should I say a good mom...it's definitely a learning process..a constant guessing/trial and error game. "Am I doing the right thing?" "Is this what's best?" etc, etc, I suppose I have to learn that trusting my instincts is the best and only way to navigate through this adventure.

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009- Didn't write yesterday--difficult night. I started the nursing/burbing/changing/rocking/bouncing cycle at 8pm after a stroll through the neighborhood and he didn't go to sleep in his crib until 11pm! He would fall asleep and then wake right back up as soon as I would lay him down. I swung him, rocked, bounced, everything- he just refused to be put down. Finally at 11pm he was asleep and it was all I could do not to fall into bed. He woke back up at 2am and I woke up feeling nauseous- ended up throwing up about 3 times..it was the worst feeling ever, hearing Samuel cry and knowing the only thing to make him stop was giving him my nipple to suck which was the last sensation I wanted to feel after throwing up. It must have been the barbecue we ate for dinner. To sum it all up, we were both up all night- I had to wake Wesley up. Today was not much better. He was up from 8am until noon when I finally got him to sleep on my chest on the couch where we were both able to get two and half hours. Today was the first day that I didn't get a single chore done. Not one dish washed, nothing put away, nothing. I didn't even eat the first bite of food until 2.30pm and that was a bowl of cereal. I think part of the problem..meaning Sam's fussiness..is me not getting enough nutrition. Mom told me today that breastfeeding women need 500 more calories than normal. I am making a strong effort to do better so hopefully the milk he's drinking will be more nutritious and satisfy him. The neighbors, Katherine and Corey and baby Fletcher, just came by and dropped off a book, "The happiest Baby on the Block" and a swaddling blanket called The Miracle Blanket, that she says works really well. This was all perfect timing (Note: Here Wesley must have picked up my journal and wrote his own entry) Just as everything has been..Wesley is the most amazing husband. I can't believe I ever doubted it. He is super groovy. (Note: now back to my writing) So tonight we got Samuel to quiet down and actually sleep by swaddling him very, very tight in The Miracle Blanket. Hopefully this will work. Katherine says Fletcher started sleeping through the night at 4 weeks because of the swaddling...we'll see how Samuel does. Meanwhile, Wesley and I enjoyed a pasta and chicken dinner with no crying. I drank two glasses of wine and ate the most delicious avocado. We're thankful these days for even one hour of peace. I know it will get better but the last two days have been extremely challenging. I quit my paying job but took on a 24/7 full time job. I don't know how single women do it and manage to work! Thank god I have an understanding and helpful and contributing partner! I didn't mention I went to a Pilates class yesterday. It was one hour and I dropped Samuel to Wesley when he got off work at 5pm. It was wonderful to go to a class and begin the process of getting back in shape.

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009- It's 4pm and raining. I took a break from writing, 'thank you' cards to release some thoughts. Sam is finally sleeping--the last few days (lighting, BIG thunder) have been more challenging. Sam wants me all the time, if he isn't nursing or sleeping, he wants me to hold him. He won't be satisfied with anyone else. We went to Edisto Beach Friday night and Saturday and he was very, very good..slept from 9.30pm to 4ish. He went to the beach, rode in the Baby Bjorn for a walk on the beach..but wouldn't let grandparents Fletcher hold him for long or even Wesley. I can't stand to hear him cry. He shrieks and turns red, his mouth quivers and gapes open- it tears to shreds every nerve fiber in my body. When we're in the car and I can't unbuckle him to get him out to stop the crying, I start not being able to hold a thought, I get so unnerved...so it's the same thing when he is crying when someone else is holding him. I can't sit around and not do anything or just go in another room and see if they can soothe him, no, I have to go to him and as soon as I take him and cuddle his tiny, red throbbing body to my chest- he stops. He makes a few little puffs and sighs and then looks at me with a face that seems to say, 'why did you do that to me?' and of course, I just melt...so if he needs me to hold him every second, I will...even if that means postponing eating, sleeping or going to the bathroom, I will hold him because that is now my natural instinct. My job. Motherhood is an unfolding process. It's a new discovery everyday. I learn new aspects of my baby, his needs, his personality..what makes him happy, what irritates him, the sounds he makes and his different expressions and it hasn't even been three weeks since we began this love affair. Well, I am wrong- the love began to grow nine months ago.