Samuel turned two July 14th. It's August now and we're still singing 'birthday cake' and batting his giant (and now sagging) number '2' balloon around the house. We started celebrating his birthday when his bicycle arrived early and I was forced to explain to him why the UPS man was delivering a big, brown box that Wesley was really excited about...so I told Samuel his birth story and explained to him how happy we were to have experienced that day two years ago and that now he gets a box with a present inside! Then we celebrated on his birthday, then with his grandparents, then with his aunt and uncles...and now I think he fully grasps the concept and rituals surrounding 'birthday' but we should probably be calling it 'birthmonth' from here on out.
Celebrating the days before and after the birth makes sense to me. As I think back on this time two years ago, on the intensity of adjusting to life with an infant, of healing and processing the birth, of discovering myself as a mother, I am reminded of the incredible postpartum journey and making it through that is reason enough for anyone to celebrate! Every day is monumental, every moment new and full of awe. Exciting and rewarding, yes, but it's also hard work and frustrating and emotional and sometimes scary.
So in honor of those days and weeks after his birth and my birthing myself as a mother, I have decided to post my journal entries from that postpartum time. These are word for word, nothing changed, nothing omitted.
Friday, July 17th 2009- How did I get so lucky? My mom is amazing and great and I love her so much, my baby boy is perfect, my husband is my best friend and the most supportive partner in the universe, my friends are genuine, my dad is present and patient, my in-laws love me and my family, my brothers are awesome, my sister in-laws are awesome. My breasts are producing milk and my body is healing from Samuel's emerging. This day is a day of recognizing how unbelievably blessed I am. Exhaustion is here but this experience is too awesome to miss. Thank you universe for giving me the strength and courage and energy to birth Samuel naturally. Thank you for helping my body open and my mind shut. Thank you for health and wholeness.
Saturday, July 18th 2009- Samuel Palmer Fletcher's fourth day on planet Earth. Jill and Wesley's first day being parents all alone. The last of the family left yesterday and today no visitor rule was in effect. What a perfect day we had-so thankful for all the help, yes, but grateful to try this parenting thing out. It's hard to describe the build up in intensity of my love for this little creature. I am overwhelmed by how absolutely pefect he is. I keep looking him over and am continually amazed to find not one flaw, not one blemish. His little chicken wing arms and long skinny legs his slender feet and puckered lips all gloriously perfect. This afternoon while feeding him in my bed with the sunlight peeking through the shades, I found myself staring at every wrinkle on his wrist and then fingers one at a time and then up his arm and the crook of his neck and realized examining his perfect little body is like marveling at an intricate seashell or catching an up close view of a butterfly as it perches on something long enough to enjoy the glint and glimmer of it's colorful wing...the difference though is that the Samuel creature is of mine and Wesley's creation...the combination of our cells and DNA and energy and I know it was this natural process of precreation which brought him into the world but I can't help believe that his soul has lived a hundred times over. His face, brand new and fresh, looks wise and already full of experience and lessons to teach. In four days I have learned so much.
Sunday, July 19th, 2009- The nursing/feeding partnership much improved today. We're starting to work together, to relax, to be in the moment. My body is responding more efficiently, the milk is flowing easier. I can tell he is getting more and is clearly more satisfied with each nursing. Nursing efficiently and effectively is an art, a practice, a meditation requiring patience and quiet...a lesson in being in the moment--and the moment can last an hour and half.
Today Winston and Erin came into town to meet Samuel, what a treat to have them here. April came over and we had a delicious brunch. Allison and Brian visited as well and gave Samuel Allison's first piggy bank. Later in the afternoon (after a 2 and half hour nap) April and I went for a wonderful walk around the block. Even though it was short the time outside was heaven! I will gladly make any sacrifice for my child but after 2 days of not leaving the house, I was beginning to feel closed up and felt the necessity of fresh air. I'm thankful for the sunshine and chance to stretch my legs. The baby is crying.
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009- Samuel is one week old. It's 10.21 pm and this time last week, he wasn't even in the world (outside the womb) 2 hours. I was still in shock, in 'laborland' mind feeling like I had been on some kind of crazy, tripping out of body, other world experience that ended abruptly with another tiny human screaming in my arms. Surreal. Absolutely surreal. I still can't believe he is completely healthy, completely whole. We are blessed. My mom came back to stay with us and be with Samuel for a few days and I am glad to see her. Wesley went back to work today and I missed him..missed having his company more than anything because of course he can't nurse but he is entertaining to have around and he can change hell of a diaper. Good news-state job will pay for Wesley's time off!! He hasn't even been there 2 months and already he accrued enough leave (paid!) for the 32 hours he was out bonding with his son! I take that as a good financial omen that we are going to be just fine with me not working. My job is to be with Samuel, to be a good Mom, to fill his head with everything good and positive that is within me, and to fill his insatiable belly with my milk.
Postpartum Journal Part Two will be posted soon
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